Jimi B. Full Throttle

2012-01-29T14:42:00.000-08:00

Writing a blog sometimes feels an albatross (a. a constant worrisome burden. b. web-footed bird). I especially have trouble thinking of topics to write about. My friend Jill suggested that I peruse (to read or examine typically with great care) the dictionary for ideas. I have an American Heritage Dictionary that has 2134 pages. I’m still in the A’s. I like the dictionary because it seems to have every word in the English language. It also has pictures of famous people. My 3 favorite A’s are Bud Abbott of Abbott & Costello. I loved their “Whose on First” routine. Hank Aaron is listed as the all time home run leader as it should be. Kareem Abdul Jabbar is listed as the all time leading scorer in the NBA. I admire (to regard with pleasure, wonder, and approval) all three. I have to admit (to permit to enter) that finding topics can to tough even in the dictionary. I don’t want to seem airy fairy (as speculative, visionary, and flimsy as to lack all substance, purpose, and practicality) about all this. I always hope that my next blog will be the best yet. Next time I should write about the web-footed bird instead of the burden.

2012-01-15T14:41:00.001-08:00

Changing the Calendar—I don’t know if you’ve heard but there is talk about changing the calendar so that holidays would be on the same day every year. It seems pretty boring and rote to me. I think that we need a more radical change. It seems to me that most people are trying to avoid work as much as possible. They take off two to three days on both sides of a holiday. When they are working they come in late and leave early. The country’s work ethic seems to be quickly dissolving. I’m very codependent so if I was in charge of changing the calendar I would change all the days to Saturdays and Sundays with one Friday a week thrown in for work. Every week would be Saturday, Sunday, Saturday, Sunday, then Friday, Saturday, Sunday. People could then have most of their time off and be able to sleep in almost every day. Churches would prosper because they would have 3 days to collect. On Friday people would get lots done. They would be focused, rested, and creative. This is my proposal when I’m put in charge of changing the calendar.

2012-01-08T14:53:00.001-08:00

Sharing—I think of myself as somewhat generous. I try to do some volunteer work, think good thoughts about others, and donate money to “good” causes. There is one area of my life that I struggle with in being generous and that is sharing my popcorn. I love popcorn. It is one of my favorite foods. My selfishness started when I was in high school and I would make popcorn nearly every night. I would keep the large bowl for myself and give the other four members of my family a small cereal sized bowl to share. I rationalized this action by using the “Story of the Little Red Hen”. As you may remember Little Red was trying to get help in making bread. She asked all the other animals on the farm for assistance. All refused so she ended up making the bread all by herself. When the bread was finished all of a sudden the other farm animals wanted bread. I didn’t even know that farm animals liked bread. Little Red said, “Nay, nay, I made the bread so I get to eat it all.” This is the rationalization that I used in keeping most of the popcorn and unlike the Little Red Hen at least I shared some of the popcorn. When I left home and was living alone I got to eat all the popcorn that I made guilt free. I never thought much about it but several years later I was at a family gathering and the subject of popcorn came up and my nephews and nieces all started calling me, “Uncle Jim the Popcorn Hog”. I was stunned. What had my brother and sister had been telling them? It was very humbling and embarrassing and even after telling them “The Story of the Little Red Hen” story I decided that I had to start sharing my popcorn. Now when I make popcorn I share half of it with my wife but she also helps me make it.

2012-01-01T14:49:00.000-08:00

Patience is a virtue. I tend to be very impatient. I hate grocery lines, crowded freeways, or lines at the bank. I plan to never go back to Disneyland again, its way too crowded. It drives me crazy when I’m playing golf and people line up their drives or fairway shots or their putts. Just get up there and hit it. Why take so long? You’re not Tiger Woods. All these things are VERY annoying. Maybe I’m a control freak or an irrational snob who thinks that some people are getting in my way and going way to slow. I think that God is trying to teach me patience by putting all the people who have coupons at the store or eight transactions at the bank IN MY LINE. It always happens when I move from a longer line to a shorter line. The only people I have a little patience with are old people. They are slow and many of them are unstable walking. You can’t really yell at George Burns or Grandma Esta for not moving fast enough but sometimes I feel like it. I know that this is a huge character defect that I have. I know that I need to “stop and smell the roses” and that “all good things come to those that wait.” My motto on most days is the “impatience is a virtue” and please move faster.

2011-12-18T14:41:00.001-08:00

Baby Boomers—we had huge potential to change the world but we mostly settled for buying stuff. I’m sorry that we spent all the money. Most Boomers in Congress seem to argue all the time and don’t seem to be willing to compromise about anything. We made progress in social acceptance and that is big but overall most baby boomers seem to be greedy and arrogant except me of course. I’m a loving, accepting, open minded baby boomer. There are about 25 in the state and less than 2000 in the country. Most live in Wisconsin where it is not polite to be greedy or arrogant. They were mostly raised by packs of wolves and it was hard to replicate that experiment. If only I was born 5 years earlier I would not have to put up with this baby boomer burden. I would be happily collecting my social security check by now and playing golf every day.

2011-12-11T14:24:00.001-08:00

“On Writing” Lately I have been listening to “On Writing-A memoir of the Craft” on CD by Stephen King. I have never read one of his novels or seen any of the movies based on his books. The previews for his movies scare me and I hate to be scared. I know that this ruins my macho image but most of my friends ask, “What macho image”? Mr. King knows his stuff and is a former Maine English teacher. He seems very down to earth for a guy with a $400 million net worth (according to one online website.) He is an excellent storyteller and I can see why he is a best selling author. I liked his stories about growing up in Maine. His advice for writers is to read and write every day. He said that much of his success is from having two different ideas come together and then asking “What if?” I would recommend Stephen King’s book or audio book to any aspiring writer. I liked him and think he would be an interesting neighbor or uncle to someone as long as you didn’t mind being scared.

2011-12-04T15:03:00.000-08:00

I’m a vegetarian. I started in 1972 when I read the book, “Diet for a Small Planet”. I had 3 roommates who started at the same time that I did. They only lasted a couple of months. I continued on. It always gave me great satisfaction that I had the discipline to stay with it for so many years. I mostly do it for the attention. When I go into a restaurant I feel special when I tell the waitress that I’m vegetarian and don’t eat meat. It always takes longer to give my order. I hope that she doesn’t take it out on me in the kitchen somehow sabotaging my food. Most of my friends and family are carnivores. People are always giving me a hard time and saying things like “vegetarian is an Indian term that means lousy hunter” or “how many vegetarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?” “I don’t know but where do you get your protein?” “You look weak, are you getting enough nourishment?” I always answer that one with, what about the apes they’re vegetarians and are really strong. I really don’t like vegetarians that much. I think that they are much too pale and weird for me. I’m happy that I am one because more people can eat if we eat lower on the food chain even if we are all more pale and weird.

2011-11-28T18:06:00.000-08:00

My 1st Time on Stage—When I was six years old I was asked by my Mom who was asked by someone else to be in our Presbyterian Church Easter program. To ease the pain of having to do it she said that my sister Marilyn would also be in the “performance”. She was only four but my Mom felt that we would come through in front of the whole church. We had to memorize the part about how “Christ is risen”. “He is risen indeed.” I had my part down. My sister was supposed to start and then I would go after her. She however got stage fright. What did people expect? She was only four years old. She went for what gave her the most comfort in her life. She started sucking her thumb. The audience started laughing. I waited a minute or so which seemed much longer at the time. I got mad at my sister for refusing to start; I hit her in the arm and walked off the stage. Members of the church were appalled. This was not good Christian behavior. My family must settle disagreements using force. Most of the men in the audience thought it was funny. For me it took forty years before I ever performed on stage again. My sister was braver; she was the lead in “The Diary of Anne Frank” as a junior in high school. We never performed together again after our one show. Our family act bombed the only time we worked together.

2011-11-21T17:18:00.000-08:00

Recently I started listening to THEMOTH.ORG. It is storytelling started in New York City and now they travel around the country doing MOTH competitions. It is excellent. I feel that stories connect me to my soul and being human. Recently I heard a story there by a woman who when she was a child loved to play cards with her father. He was a very competitive amateur tennis player who hated to lose. He wouldn’t ease up on his daughter and allow her to win. When they played she would lose regularly, start to cry and leave the room only to return a few minutes later begging to play again. This whole process toughened her up. Her mom didn’t work outside the home but was Harvard bright and intelligent. She drank and struggled with her demons. The girl moved to Montana and got married and was trying to decide on her a career path. Her brother suggested that she should go to a casino and play cards to help her relax. There as an adult she realized that she was beating all the competition by combining the gifts that she got from both of her parents. She used the competitive spirit of her father with the intelligence of her mom. She is now a very successful professional poker player and her name is Annie Duke http://www.annieduke.com/bio/
The story made me think about my own parents and the gifts that I have gotten from them. My Mom is left handed, creative, intuitive, optimistic, persistent, and compassionate. She is very much an introvert and is comfortable being by herself. My father on the other hand was an outgoing extrovert salesman. He sold International Harvester Farm Equipment and was one of the best salesmen in the country with his company. He was much more a logical realist who at times battled pessimism but had a great sense of humor. I find that I have the qualities of both my parents and I am happiest in life when I embrace them both. I like creating ideas and presenting them. It gives me a sense of peace when I do. I would challenge you to think about your parents and the gifts that you got from them. It might be a life changing experience like it was for Annie Duke…

2011-11-06T15:20:00.000-08:00

“The booby prize or the yoyo” I never had any children so sometimes my brother or sister would have me babysit for my nephews or nieces. It was in the early 1980’s and I was living in Lemoore, California. I was babysitting my nephew Chad one evening who was four or five at the time. We needed some milk so I decided to take Chad and go on a field trip to the store. At the front of the grocery store was one of the new vending machines that had a crane with a long arm on it. For a quarter you could get three tries to win a toy. Chad wanted me to give it a try. He said “Uncle Jim, I want you to win the yoyo.” I had never done this crane thing but it looked easy enough. The only problem was I barely had enough money to buy the milk and had one quarter more so I decided to go for it. The first two passes I was able to get zero plastic eggs out. I started to question my own sanity. Why had I ever agreed to this? My manual dexterity is awful. I hate most things mechanical especially when trying to win something for a small child. The pressure was on but on the last try I got one of the clear plastic eggs into the arm of the crane. I could see that it wasn’t a yoyo but thought that perhaps Chad would be happy with any prize that I won once he got it. I got it into the shoot to come out of the vending machine. We opened it up and it was a small plastic chicken. I told Chad that it looks like we won the booby prize. Chad who was usually very calm and laid back yelled at the top of his lungs, “I DON’T WANT THE BOOBY PRIZE I WANT THE YOYO!!! He was still upset when his parents came to pick him up. We left the store and I felt both ashamed and guilty for not winning the yoyo. I learned two huge life lessons that night. First don’t set children’s expectations too high and always take more quarters than you think that you’ll need to the grocery store.

2011-10-30T14:55:00.000-07:00

We didn’t get mugged in New Orleans. On October 1 my wife Shauna and I flew to New Orleans for a week long vacation. Before we left many people warned us to be careful and don’t go down any dark alleys alone. We stayed at a timeshare in the French Quarter. We had gotten a letter that said that there was no place to park at our facility so we decided to only rent a car for a couple of days. Since we were in the French Quarter we walked nearly everywhere we went. We loved the street entertainers, the music, art galleries, and especially the food. We didn’t have a bad meal. New Orleans is very much alive with creativity. The highlights of our trip were going to Jackson Square, Café du Monde, the Charles St. Streetcar, the French Market, and we found that we were more Royal Street than Bourbon Street people. When we did rent a car we went to the Mississippi Gulf Coast for lunch which was beautiful. One day when we had the car we also went to the Laura and Oak Alley Plantations. We loved New Orleans!!! We would go back again in a heartbeat. The best part of New Orleans is the people. They are very down to earth and friendly. We felt the Southern Hospitality and best of all we didn’t get mugged in New Orleans.

2011-10-23T14:59:00.000-07:00

Hitchhiking---Between my junior and senior years of college I decided to take a year off from school and hitchhike around the United States. It was 1972 and I heard that other college students were doing it. I’ve always had the goal of seeing all fifty states and I was tired of school and wanted to do something different. I wanted to have some adventure in my life for a change and to get out and see the world. I was going to San Diego State University at the time so I decided to give it a practice run before quitting. On one beautiful San Diego Spring day I got a ride to downtown San Diego with a friend who was going that way. I told him my plan and he said, “Are you crazy, nobody picks up hitchhikers in downtown San Diego. You’re never going to get a ride back”. I was confident and thought that some young attractive co-ed would pick me up or if not them some middle aged couple because I would remind them of their son. I put out my thumb like I had seen so many others do at the time and I waited. I waited and I waited some more. It was about 3 hours later when I finally got picked up. It was a fellow student. He gave me a ride but asked for gas money to help him pay for getting around town. I only had five dollars so I decided to give him that. He did drop me off 2 miles from the campus. I decided that instead of trying to get another ride I would just walk the rest of the way. I realized that hitchhiking was hot and sweaty work and I was way too impatient for it. It turned out to be the only time I ever hitchhiked. I stayed in school and graduated the next year. I’ve still only seen 34 states nearly forty years later but my life is much better because I hitchhiked one day in San Diego.

2011-10-12T16:51:00.000-07:00

THE INNER GAME… I like playing golf except when I’m playing poorly which until lately was most of the time. My eighty five year old clients were beating me. Then I decided to take the game into my own hands and start practicing. I’m like most baby boomers. I think I don’t need to practice. I just want to show up at the course and shoot par. Why should I have to put in long hours of practice? Before I rarely broke 100 and was very frustrated but I was only playing 4-6 times a year. How could I expect to get better? Then I decided to read the “Inner Game of Golf” by Tim Gallwey and do what it said. The best quote in the book is “relaxed concentration is the key to excellence in all things.” I bought some new inexpensive Wilson clubs and started playing once a week. My score has never been above 100 since then and last week I shot 85. Practice does work. It always amazes me that if I put in the time my life can get better. I’m grateful to the “Inner Game of Golf” and my new enjoyment of practice. I no longer fear playing golf with my 85 year clients.

2011-10-12T16:48:00.000-07:00

The other day I was at the grocery store and had a small amount of things to pay for with $100 bill. It turns out that the customer just ahead of me also paid with $100 bill. I apologized because the checker had to call the manager over to get more change. She said, “No worries, it’s all good.” I thought it’s not all good. What about Charles Mason? What about the Taliban and Al Quada? What about the National Debt? What about the Chargers losing last week to the Patriots? What about Lucifer/Satan? What about Russia and Communist China? What about the ugly nose ring you have? It’s not ALL GOOD. The next customer was coming up so I said, “have a good one.” I left the store shaking my head and wondering how we can ever solve the world’s problems if we are in such denial...

2011-07-31T15:11:00.000-07:00

Baby Boomers and Money--The U.S. Government is facing a huge debt crisis. I don't know all the causes but the biggest one seems to be the government spends more money than it takes in. This has been the case for most of our history but in the past 10-11 years the problem seems so much more pronounced. My theory is that Baby Boomers love to spend money, we always have. We seem to be quite good at it whether we have the income to cover the expenses or not. Now that Baby Boomers are mostly running the Government is it a shock that they are overspending. Not only does the Government spend more than it takes in but BOTH sides have their pet programs: either the military or entitlement programs. Some like both. I feel that the long term solution to our dilemma is to require all politicians to take a class on basic financial management before they can be elected to office. Perhaps the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University would work well. Either we do this or we raise the minimum age for elected officials to 75. People that age don't seem to spend more than they make.

2011-06-26T14:40:00.000-07:00

I've spent much of my adult life reading self-help books and listening to motivational speakers on CDs. I realized that if I had saved the money that I used to buy books and CDs I would be retired by now. What I've discovered is that there are way too many motivational speakers. I've decided that I would like to be a demotivational speaker and tell people why they can't do things. I think that 10-20% of the population is motivated by being told why they can't do something. I'm one of those people. I was a "C" student in high school. I remember hearing my dad tell my mom,"I think that Jim is a smart kid but I don't think that he will EVER graduate from college." I feel that I graduated from college because I heard my day say this. I showed him. If you're one of those motivated by demotivation, call me for an appointment. I would be glad to tell you why you can't do things. I'm also available for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and memorial services.

2011-06-19T13:49:00.000-07:00

I'm the President of my Toastmasters group in Escondido,CA. I have been a member since 1991. I love Toastmasters. It helps me to speak, think on my feet, and most of all listen. This is my 2nd time as President. I think it is something that will look good in my obituary when I die. "Jim Billingsley was a long time member of Escondido Club 1546 and served as President twice." The part that I need to explain about this term is that no one else wanted to do it. I was elected in December while I was having a kidney stone procedure. I wasn't even there for the election. They told me that I won the election but that no one else wanted to do it. The strange thing is that I accepted the job. It must have been my ego or wanting my obituary to look good. I think we all need to be President of something so why not Toastmasters. I've felt friendship and connection with the group but lately I've been thinking of quitting. I've always thought that I would never want to be a member of a group that I was President of.

2011-06-12T09:14:00.000-07:00

I tend to be very impatient. I'm like many of my fellow Baby Boomers. We feel that we want and think that we deserve instant gradification. Most of this I feel can be blamed on Dr. Spock (not to be confused with Mr. Spock of Star Trek). He wrote a popular book in the 1950s called "Baby and Childcare." Everyone was taking his advice. He said to not be too harsh with your kids and pretty much give them anything they want, now. It helped create a whole generation of instant everything. He forgot the main theme of the "Tortoise and the Hare". The tortoise always wins. Being impatient myself I feel that the hare should win. I've read and reread the book several times. I always think that maybe this time the hare will win. No, it never happens. Unfortunately it's true that slow and steady does win the race. Darn! Life is a marathon and not a sprint.

2011-06-05T15:01:00.000-07:00

I love cliches. According to the dictionary a cliche is "a trite phrase or expression also: the idea expressed by it." I feel there is some truth in them and that is why they have lasted over time. When I was growing up I used to stay with my Aunt Aileen in Stratford California. She had her favorite sayings like: "a stitch in time saves nine", "a penny saved is a penny earned," and "that which does not kill you will make you stronger." All of this is very sage advice and sometimes in my life when I'm in a tight jam I remember these. They are all profound thoughts.

My dad, my aunt's brother had a different take on life. His favorite sayings were: "save the drama for your momma", Jim you better "wake up and smell the coffee", your life is passing you by, "you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube." Your grandfather was married five times and he didn't look back. When our dog would get out and we had to chase him down the street dad would always yell out,"Stop him Newt he's headed for the barn." This usually meant our dog had headed for the neighbor's dog food in their garage. He would also say that neighbor is "one taco short of a combination plate" for always leaving their garage door open with the dog food out. I always loved my dad's sense of humor and I hope he would say: "the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree."

2008-05-17T09:16:00.000-07:00

A story—The sunset happened an hour ago. The couple sat talking for two hours more. This was their 1st date and in Japan as the evening was soon coming to an end he brought her a goldfish from the little pond. She swallowed it. This indicated that she had a good time. The custom in Japan is if the goldfish is swallowed he can ask her on a 2nd date. On the 2nd date the goldfish is offered to the man. If he swallows it the couple is officially going steady. This is how the popularity of sushi came about in Japan.

2008-04-28T17:32:00.000-07:00

When I was in college I bought my Grandpa Walker a book for Christmas. He was in his 60s so I bought him the book—“Sex After Sixty”. I thought it would be humorous almost a “gag gift” in a way. Everyone laughed and said what a good idea but six months later he died and I always felt guilty that maybe my gift contributed to his death. He had been married five times and with the exception of his 3rd wife who tried to kill him his last marriage was the worst. My sister recently reminded me that his last marriage was to a witch that lived in Fresno. When they got a divorce she put a curse on him and he died a year later. I felt better that it wasn’t my gift that killed Grandpa but a bad marriage choice on his part…

2008-04-13T12:26:00.000-07:00

I recently started to do qi gong. It seems that I have high blood pressure which is a shock. I thought that I got rid of my anger in very appropriate ways but apparently it is building up as an inferno inside me which is ready to explode at the right moment. I started qi gong after watching a fund raising event on PBS and I decided to go straight to the guy’s website to avoid supporting public television. I started doing it and my blood pressure is going down. I feel guilty now that I sidestepped the process. I guess I need to either send in some money or stop watching “television that makes sense.”

2008-03-24T16:06:00.002-07:00

One of the things that I can’t stand is egocentric people; those people that think that everything is about them and their possessions. I wish that I could have everything be about me. I would love to be egocentric but I think that nobody would like me. Real egocentrics don’t care. They only care about what’s good for them and sometimes their families. I feel that my ego is driven by way too much humility. My friend Tom says that I should be humble about my life. What does Tom know? He smokes pot everyday…

2008-03-07T18:23:00.000-08:00

The Moon and Baseball--The night was humid and it seemed like you could cut it with a knife. It reminds me of playing baseball in the summer. The moon comes up and I hope that the ball doesn’t come to me because I’m thinking about the moon. It seems that you can reach out and touch the moon and then the crack of the bat wakes you up to the fact that you almost got hit by the ball. People actually walked on the moon and now it’s a huge distraction for us baseball players or ex baseball players that have trouble focusing on the ball when playing in the field…

2008-03-02T18:09:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I miss the people in my life who have died and I may never get to see them again. My Grandparents, my Dad, two aunts, and an uncle all have died. I hope that when I die I will get to see them all once again. I hope that when I get there they won’t be reincarnated into their next lifetime. That would be bad to go through the tunnel of light at the moment of death and there to greet me are not my family but all the noisy neighbors I have hated over the years. That for me would be going to hell…

2008-02-25T19:54:00.001-08:00

I have been thinking lately that I appear to be much younger when I look in the mirror if I don’t have my glasses on. This must be the case with women my age looking at me. I appear to be much younger because if they are not wearing their glasses I must appear to be blurry therefore younger. I think it must be a thing that God thought up to make us appear to be younger as we get older. I’m glad that’s the way it is but sometimes I put my glasses on so that I’m grounded in the reality that I am getting older.

2008-01-15T20:36:00.000-08:00

I recently took a trip to Laguna Beach. It’s not so much like that rest of Orange County. The people there SEEM to be normal even though they are a bit quirky. Two guys working in a health food restaurant got into a huge argument. They sounded like they were going to kill each other. The customers acted like it was no big deal. Hopefully “no bad vibes” got into our food. I saw a “personal trainer” working out two women on the beach barely wearing anything. It seems that every restaurant allows dogs to sit right at the table with people that feed them right off their plates. How sanitary could these places be? Laguna Beach is a nice place to visit but I think a little too quirky for my tastes and I think I’m pretty quirky…

2008-01-01T09:37:00.000-08:00

Not long ago I bought Shauna the lady that I’m dating an iPod. Then I decided to buy myself one. The problem is that we walk together most of the time and I’ve heard that I could be taking my life into “harm’s way” by suggesting a walk with iPods. It’s seems that women somehow find that offensive to their communication rules. “Why should we walk together if we’re not talking?” “If you would like to listen to your iPod instead of talking, you could just walk alone.” I’m not super intuitive but I think this is not a good sign. I have an iPod. I just don’t listen to it that much…

2007-12-23T19:43:00.001-08:00

I really have trouble with impatient people mostly because I am one. I think that whoever said we seem to dislike in others those things that we see in ourselves is correct. It was must have been Socrates or Ben Franklin that said it. It seems very profound so it must be true. I hate waiting in lines or spending much time at a red light or talking to boring people. My motto has always been “impatience is a virtue.”

2007-12-03T20:44:00.000-08:00

I don’t know about you but I dread long weekends and holidays when a station will have a Law & Order Marathon. During Thanksgiving weekend I got “sucked in” when I was flipping channels and 3 hours later I’m wondering what is more important Law or Order. I was mad at myself for blowing 3 hours of my time. Any show that good should not be on television to keep people like me from wasting our time. Don’t these people know there’s not supposed to be ANYTHING good on television? The theme music must have some deep subliminal message that hypnotizes me and makes me watch it. Once I'm into Law then I have to watch Order. It’s never happened that I watched Law and then turned it off. I would have wasted 3-4 more hours of my precious time but luckily the Marathon ended. At Christmas I have to remember to stay away from Law & Order…

2007-11-25T16:55:00.001-08:00

Recently I got a virus that attacked my computer. I let my Norton’s subscription run out and put off renewing it. Finally it caught up with me. I got many unwanted viruses so I called Norton’s begging for help. I felt so dirty even though it was my computer. For $99.95 I got telephone help from a guy named Thomas who sounded like he had a very Indian accent. He had to spell out everything for me: T as in Tony, H as in Hot, O as in Oscar, M as in Mary, A as in Apple, S as in Sam—THOMAS. It took over 2 hours to get my computer virus free. I felt that in the 2 hours that we started some kind of relationship. I found that Thomas is unmarried and lives with his parents. He has no hobbies and mostly works. Thomas had the patience of Thomas Edison. I would highly recommend him and his company to anyone that has a virus…

2007-11-18T19:22:00.000-08:00

I don’t know about you but I’m REALLY getting tired of sports talk guys talking about other things besides sports. Who cares what they think about Paris Hilton or where they had dinner and who cares what they thought about some movie they saw last night. If I want a movie review I’ll watch Siskel and Roper. I want to hear about sports when I tune in not about your FRIGGIN social life. If you don’t want to talk about sports go see Mary Hart and talk to her about what’s on her mind…

2007-11-11T20:05:00.000-08:00

Last week I got my car washed at one of those car wash places. I always hate when the guy asks me which car wash I want and I say just give me the “regular” car wash which is $10.95. Then he says, “how about a hand wash for $29.95”. Then I have to think do I want my car hand washed for $19.00 more. I say no “I’ll take the regular car wash”, the one that goes through your washing machine and scratches the sides of my car for $19.00 less and he says, “okay fine” but he looks at me like I’m a cheap loser that can’t afford the extra $19.00. When my car gets to the end and is dried off I give the people a $2.00 tip. They seem happy and seem to know that if everyone got hand washed it’s a slower process and they wouldn’t get as many tips. At least that’s the way that I rationalize getting the regular car wash…

2007-11-01T19:33:00.000-07:00

I have been reading Paula Poundstone’s book and I found a couple of typos in the book. I can’t imagine that she would publish the book with typos. She is very rebellious and it could be that she put in typos to see if people were paying attention. I really like the book but I must say that I felt better about myself when I found the typos. It was like discovering that even though Paula Poundstone is a very funny comedian she still makes typing errors. She probably had someone type the book and maybe she didn’t enunciate well or maybe the typist was mad at her. Whatever the reason I found 2 typos. I haven’t ever heard her do comedy but a couple of people told me “she’s good”. She may be funny but I think she needs a better proof reader. I felt sorry for her because it says in the book that she’s a million dollars in debt. I shouldn’t be so hard on her because sometimes I make typing errors….

2007-09-23T11:58:00.001-07:00

My hair is going gray but I refuse to dye it. I seem to have more gray hair than black which was my “natural color.” My eyebrows are still black. They are just as black now as when I was in high school. I wonder if people think that I must be dying my eyebrows. That would be so STRANGE for someone to just dye their eyebrows and not the rest of their hair. Now I’m worried that people think that I’m strange and that I’m dying them. Maybe I need to eyebrows gray to match the rest of my hair so that people won’t think that I’m strange. Having these thoughts people could be right. Maybe I am strange….

2007-09-15T15:24:00.000-07:00

When I was growing up one of my sports heroes was Duke Snider. I don’t know why for sure but I think it has something to do with him being on my favorite team, the Los Angeles Dodgers and he was one of the players on the team. He also seemed pretty down to earth and likable. I could identify with that. I feel that I’m pretty down to earth and likable. I read a biography about him when I was in the 6th grade and found out that he lived in Fallbrook, CA and raised avocadoes when he retired. I know some people that live in Fallbrook. They’ve said that they’ve seen Duke Snider at the Fallbrook Post Office and said that he seems “very down to earth and likeable.” The other reason I like Duke Snider was because of his name. I always wanted to be called Duke. It seems that would be a good name for a porn star or a dog or British nobility. I always wanted to be a major league baseball player but I had big issues with baseball. I couldn’t run very fast, and most of the times had trouble hitting, and I made lots of errors. Sometimes though even today the dream of playing 2nd base for the Dodgers comes up for me and I ask my friends go call me Duke for a couple of days…

2007-09-03T18:31:00.000-07:00

We wanted to see the Grand Canyon… When I was nine years old my family took a trip to Joplin, Missouri to see some of my Mom’s relatives. My Dad was in a hurry to get there and get back and I’m not so sure that he was that excited about Mom’s family. We didn’t get to do much sightseeing on the way there but on the way back Mom persuaded Dad that seeing the Grand Canyon would have some educational value. He said “yes” to the Grand Canyon but then changed his mind when he found out it was 100 miles out of the way. We settled instead on the Petrified Forest which was a bunch of trees that were so old they turned to rocks. Dad convinced us that the Petrified Forest was an even better experience than the Grand Canyon. Dad was wrong. When I shared about it at the 1st “Show and Tell” of the fall kids made fun of me for weeks for seeing the Petrified Forest instead of the Grand Canyon. I loved Dad but I always felt cheated by not seeing Grand Canyon…

2007-08-27T18:21:00.000-07:00

One of my big fears in dating younger women is that I might fall in love and get married. I’m talking about a woman 15-20 years younger than I am who would only be marrying me for my money. I would be afraid if I were to marry someone that young that at some point I might have a stroke and then she would leave me in the living room watching bad television while she and her tattooed boyfriend were having wild lustful sex in the bedroom. They would be in the bedroom screaming like two wild animals and I would be in the living room watching “Jerry Springer” or “Days of Our Lives” or “Meet the Press”…

2007-08-18T18:26:00.000-07:00

When I was growing up my Mom was a compulsive housekeeper. She didn’t work and my friends used to say, “You have the cleanest house in town.” My theory was that my Dad drank, often got drunk and sometimes embarrassed the family with what he said. Mom felt that if the house was clean at least we would “appear” to be a normal family. It seemed to work because most of the embarrassing things my Dad said were not in public but just in our own home. In 1984 Dad died but Mom still kept things compulsively clean. A few weeks ago I visited Mom in her new home in Santa Maria, CA and it turns out that she has 3 vacuum cleaners. I asked her why she needed 3 and she said something about different rooms needing different vacuums and having a couple of backups if one breaks down. Maybe my family wasn’t as “normal” as I once thought.

2007-08-13T20:38:00.000-07:00

One of the things that I’ve noticed lately is that so many younger folks and those hoping to be young have tattoos. I went into Nordstrom the other day and a girl working there had a tattoo. She was also dressed like a gypsy or a pirate but still I was surprised that you could have a tattoo and work at Nordstrom. I must be old school or just old but when I was younger no Nordstrom clerks had tattoos. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I need to get a tattoo to fit in more. My brother got a tattoo, bought a Harley, and married a younger woman. He still has two of those three. Maybe I need to get a tattoo to increase my macho image in the world. God only knows that by being a vegetarian my macho image could use a big boost….

2007-08-05T13:49:00.000-07:00

I do standup comedy sometimes at the La Jolla Comedy Store. It’s only a hobby but people are usually impressed when I tell them that I am a comedian. It can be hard at times not so much getting along with the audience but with the younger comics that perform there. They are many times from “dysfunctional families” and most of the times have “issues with their fathers”. Since most of the time I’m the oldest comic performing they sometimes “go off” on me. They get upset for no apparent reason. Okay part of it could be my fault. I tend to forget people’s names so I’ll just say “hey pal, how are you,” which I know is very demeaning and insensitive. I have been taking to ginkgo biloba to help my memory but it doesn’t seem to be helping. Lately though I have been more philosophical in my approach to the younger comics and I ask the famous Rodney King question, “can’t we all just get along” and that seems to help…

2007-07-29T11:56:00.001-07:00

The other day I went to a local production of ‘Les Miserables” with Shauna the lady that I’m dating. She went to the ladies room and was gone for what I thought was a long time. I thought it must be a long line in the ladies room. It turned out that she got locked in the bathroom stall and was unable to get out for awhile. She turned the lock the wrong way and only “thought” that she was locked in the stall. Her first question to me when she got back was “weren’t you going to come and find out what happened to me”. I said, “Sure in about 5 more minutes.” Really I would never go into a ladies bathroom at all unless it was totally by mistake which I did once the La Jolla Von’s Store. I was in a big hurry and didn’t look at the sign on the door. I wouldn’t go into a ladies bathroom on purpose. I don’t want to get arrested and then Shauna might be upset that there was no way to get home. It was a touchy situation but next time if she’s not back soon I’ll go to the ladies bathroom door and yell out her name. That could also be embarrassing and humiliating if it’s just a long line in the ladies room. It’s tough to know what to do but with women but as my dad used to say, “you can’t live with them and you can’t kill them”…

2007-07-22T12:22:00.000-07:00

I have a bad habit that I consider rude about myself but I seem to do it anyway. I write out my “to do list” in church. The pastor doesn’t seem to mind. I’m sure that he thinks I’m taking notes on his interesting sermon topic. Most of the time though I find nothing interesting in his sermon and I don’t want to waste my time just sitting there doing nothing. I do half listen to the sermon so I am getting something out of it. Do you think that I will go to Hell for this? I do have going to church on my list so I get to check it off once the sermon is over and I am in fact there. Woody Allen says that 80% of success is showing up or was it 90%. Is Woody Allen a good role model for spiritual virtue? Maybe I need to honest with the pastor and tell him that his sermons are boring. Nah, I think that I’ll just continue to appear to be taking notes.

2007-07-21T15:14:00.000-07:00

I don’t know if you have noticed lately all the men around who are dying their hair. Back in the 50s and 60s when I was growing up that was strictly a “woman thing.” Men back then would be thought of as “sissies" if they dyed their hair. Now it’s very common and not just in the gay community. I think it all started when Ronald Reagan was President. He must have dyed his hair but he was an actor. He was acting being President of the United States. It was ok for him to do it. I am going gray but I refuse to dye my hair. My “hair stylist” that I like to call my “barber” says that with my color of hair it would probably turn yellow if I did dyed it anyway…

2007-07-18T20:51:00.000-07:00

Even now I’m thinking that I should be further along in my life. Some great people in history were dead by the time they were my age. Even now I seem to be following my heart and sometimes it takes me into a brick wall and I get a bloody nose. Even now I seem to be floating along in life, drifting along mile after mile on the river of life seeing life floating by on the bank and hoping most of the time not to stop. Even now I feel blessed that my life has gone pretty well but shouldn’t it be better. Even now I seem to be going along the road of life and wondering when will I get a flat tire or have my car break down. Even now I wonder when I will take a writing workshop that has more men in it. Even now I wonder when I will take a writing workshop when the women will think what an interesting man. He seems way to manly/studdly to be in a writing workshop.

2007-07-14T15:56:00.000-07:00

Have you ever preheated the oven to cook your frozen cheese enchiladas and then realized 45 minutes later that your dinner is not done. You have to put the enchiladas in the oven and YOU FORGOT. You feel embarrassed and very insecure about your sanity. At that moment you’re glad that you live alone but wonder if you did have a roommate would they have enough confidence to tell you that you are wasting electricity preheating an empty oven…

2007-05-20T19:09:00.001-07:00

It was small town, gossipy, like a fish bowl.
It was slow paced, friendly, and loving.
It was not much to do, creative, hot in the summer, tule fog in the winter.
There was hope for the future.

It was football on Friday nights, baseball in the spring, first love, first kiss.
It was friends, family, and homemade ice cream.
It was sanity and groundedness, and insanity and drunkenness.
There was love and forgiveness.

It was Grandma Esta, aunts and uncles, and great stories.
It was the smell of new mowed alfalfa on a summer night.
It was the first day of kindergarten and graduation from high school.
There was change and growth.

2007-05-13T18:36:00.000-07:00

A Fictitious Story--Many people felt that it was strange that she spent so much time sitting in a tree but Mary loved being a bird watcher. She could name 15 different varieties of wrens and when she turned 22 she became a forest ranger in Yosemite National Park. It was a quiet yet stimulating existence because she loved bird watching so much and spent her time off watching them. When she retired in 1992 she became the President of the Lodi Audubon Society and once went on the Tonight Show and Johnny Carson had her do bird calls for five minutes. Ed McMahon was so excited that he had a two year affair with her and they would have secret rendezvous’ at the Waunakee Lodge in Yosemite and she would do bird calls while they were having sex. She had an unfortunate accident in 2001 when she fell out of a tree when she thought she spotted a red breasted finch. It turned out to be a pigeon. After that Ed McMahon had little to do with her. Was she that professional if she couldn’t tell a pigeon from a red breasted finch? She felt cheated by life and she died a bitter, broken woman in 2004…

2007-05-09T18:48:00.001-07:00

One of the only movies I remember seeing when I was growing up was “Moby Dick” which was a story about a guy obsessed to kill a whale or that’s what I remember. My dad took me and he kept going out to the theatre lobby to smoke cigarettes. You could do that in those days and it seemed that my dad was as obsessed with smoking as the guy in the movie was to get the whale. “Moby Dick” always seemed like a funny name for a movie. I know because every time my 5th grade teacher mentioned “Moby Dick” everyone in the class would laugh…

2007-04-28T13:28:00.000-07:00

When I was in college I used to pick up hitchhikers once in awhile and most of the time it was girls trying to back to Mission Beach from San Diego State. I picked up a few guys but not to often. The last hitchhiker that I picked up was in the 1970s and he stunk up my car. It seemed that he was not very good at hitchhiking so he had to walk a long way and it was a hot day. He smelled and it seemed that smell stayed in my car for a couple of weeks. That was the last time I let a hitchhiker get in my car…

2007-04-18T21:18:00.000-07:00

I have a scar on my chin from the first stitches I got when I was in the 4th grade. I tripped over an uneven sidewalk and landed on a water fountain watching Ginny Potter instead of watching where I was going. It didn’t hurt that much but I thought that maybe the anesthetic wouldn’t work on me, that somehow I was different and unique from everyone else. Maybe God would somehow not let it work on me that somehow I was the only person in the world that it wouldn’t work on. I was wrong though it did work. I learned a lesson in the 4th grade. I’m not so unique and special from other people that I thought I was and it’s important to watch where you’re going...

2007-04-13T22:05:00.000-07:00

I went to see a “psychic” a couple of months ago and she said that 2007 will be a good year for me. So far she has been right but I’ll have to wait to see what happens for the rest of the year. She said not to get married or change careers for awhile. The rest of what she said I forgot. She talked really fast with a really thick Greek accent. Basically I paid $50 to find out that it should be a good year. My friend said that he could have told me that for $10…

2007-04-01T16:41:00.000-07:00

Taking risks---I have never gone bungee jumping or jumped out of a plane with a parachute on, or driven a race car at 170 mph but I have taken some risks in my life. I just this afternoon got in the 12 item or less line at the grocery store with 13 items. I got a kind of fish eyed look from the clerk but she didn’t say anything. I had a two week period in January when I brushed with Crest without tartar control and I sometimes I drive 65 mph in the fast lane. That is the maximum posted speed on most freeways in California but most people take it as a suggestion…

2007-03-28T18:59:00.000-07:00

The first time I wore a tie I felt very grown up. I was only 6 years old and my sister Marilyn was 4 and we did a Presbyterian Church recital for an Easter program. Marilyn was supposed to start and then I would go next. She got stage freight and started sucking her thumb. I became impatient with all the waiting so I hit her and walked off the stage. My sister started crying and all the adults started laughing. My parents were publicly humiliated and embarrassed. Good Presbyterians were not supposed to do those kinds of things in public. If that had happened today my parents probably would have been arrested and charged with child abuse…

2007-03-14T21:09:00.000-07:00

My Big Fears—Sometimes I have a fear of heights. I think that if I get to close to the edge of a big building someone that doesn’t like me, will find me, come up behind me, and push me off the side. This has never actually happened to me but sometimes I have dreams about it. Luckily I wake up before I hit the ground. My second big fear is a deep fear of Japanese people. I think that I was killed during World War II on a South Pacific beach head and then reincarnated in this life. I fear Japanese people in general but especially Sumo wrestlers. They are so big and I fear that if I ever got in a wrestling match with one of them my head would be crushed…

2007-03-11T19:57:00.000-07:00

I have a very interesting family and it seems we have great family stories to tell. One of the best is about my mom’s Uncle Bill who was a real dog lover. He was in his late 70s and one day he saw a guy beating his dog in a field near his house. He went over and said that he didn’t like the way the guy was treating his dog. The guy who was a young ex-marine 6’2” and 210 lbs. said it was none of his business how he treated his dog and proceeded to attack Uncle Bill. Bill was all of 5’6” but in good shape for his age proceeded to beat up the ex-marine to “teach him a lesson”. The marine had Bill arrested and they later went to court. The judge who couldn’t stop laughing threw the case out because he thought that Bill must be the one bringing the case to court and thought that he must have been the one beaten up when he saw the difference in their size and ages. Maybe the judge was a dog lover too or maybe this is one of my family urban legends. I must say that I heard this story from Uncle Bill’s own lips and I am convinced that it was true...

2007-03-09T19:39:00.000-08:00

Hair—one of the things I have been blessed with in life is lots of hair. To quote my barber, “You will never go bald.” At least I hope that I won’t go bald. My brother is losing lots of his hair so genically speaking my barber could be wrong. I don’t think it would be that bad. Most of the bald people that I know are nice. They seem to always find the humor in their situation and be able to laugh at themselves. I heard that some women even prefer bald men. Hairy men on the other hand might be too well, hairy. I seem to have enough hair but its turning gray. I have more salt than pepper is what my friend Mike says. My grandfather who was bald always said, “Whether you have it or not hair can be a problem"....

2007-03-07T21:47:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I have trouble remembering names so I’ll say “hey Bud how are you today?” or “hey Bud what’s up?” I hate when people do that to me. It’s so condescending but there was dementia in my family and I easily forget names. My family was also highly critical and judgmental so I’m usually thinking what’s wrong with the person physically when I first meet them so I miss their name the first time. I’m thinking wow what a big nose that lady has or this guy seems a tad overweight. My friend might say, “Jim, this is Bob” and the name goes right by me. Even a minute or two later I’m thinking who is this I’m talking to? If I see Bob a week or two later I’ll probably say, “Hey Bud”…

2007-02-25T14:16:00.000-08:00

When I was in college I wasn’t that experienced with women but finally in my 2nd year I had a few dates with a girl named Lynn. I had never had the experience of “parking” so one Saturday night Lynn agreed to go parking with me. I had asked one of the guys on my baseball team the best place to go. He said that he always got “lucky” by this big oak tree on a dirt road two miles out of town. I was very naïve so I thought if it would good if we started off with some conversation about philosophy and religion. All of a sudden there was a huge downpour of rain. It must have rained 2-3 inches in a matter of 10 minutes. Lynn said that she was a little worried about all the rain and that she would like to leave. I grudgingly agreed. I started my car and put it in “drive” to leave and soon realized we were stuck in the mud. After discussing for awhile the embarrassing moments that we had in life we decided to walk back into town once the rain let up. The walk was a mess and I didn’t feel that “lucky”. It took us quite awhile to get back to town but we became friends on the way. The moral of the story is that “adversity can become your friend...”

2007-02-19T19:32:00.000-08:00

A story-When Violet’s time came she was scared as a chicken on Sunday after church. Violet had been performing in the church talent show every year since she was three years old and every year she got sick before going on. She performed a tap dance number accompanied by her sister Gina who played the accordion off key. Every year Violet hoped to beg off and not participate but her sister insisted that she go on. It had been the same for 25 years now. People were laughing behind their backs. Gina didn’t care. She knew Violet could make it big in Hollywood. She had real talent and besides Gina enjoyed playing the accordion and seeing if Violet could adapt to her playing off key…

2007-02-17T14:10:00.000-08:00

A Story --Jim Dean was a fun, outgoing guy who was very lovable at times and then other times he would become a screaming lunatic when he got caught in traffic on the Los Angeles freeways. His neighbor Fred Burns was more of an introvert that spent his days reading books and writing in his journal. He had many journal entries about Jim. Fred was the neighborhood kook that no one could figure out but there seemed to be something a bit off in his “psychic connection to the earth plane” as Jim sarcastically told all the other neighbors that would listen to him. The two neighbors rarely spoke but on Christmas week each year they would give each other a half-harded wave. Fred was still upset from the year that Jim had passed him in the grocery store and said “hey Bud, how are you.” That is so condescending. Jim knew his name from the small AA meetings that had attended together for a few weeks in 2002 and Fred’s name was on his mail box in front of his house. “Bud Smud, someday I’ll show that creep",Fred often thought to himself…

2007-02-10T14:16:00.000-08:00

When I was younger I had this ongoing daydream that I had a genie that would grant me three wishes and on the 3rd wish I always asked for three more wishes. In my imagination I had millions of dollars, all the candy that I wanted and lots of bicycles--one for each day of the month. I kept this daydreaming going for years and sometimes I would be a famous baseball player, or be dating the most popular girl in school, and once I had a driver that would take me and my friends anywhere we wanted to go in the country. I had a great fantasy going and then one day when I made a wish the genie said, “that’s your last wish” and I said that it was only my second wish and that on the my 3rd wish I always ask for three more wishes. He said, “No I’m a genie we always keep track of the wishes inside of our lamp”. We then got in this huge fight over who was right and he went back into his lamp. I kept rubbing the lamp but he refused to come out and that was the end of my fantasy….

2007-02-08T18:11:00.000-08:00

In the beginning there was a sunset which is the way the movie started which I thought was strange, but what do I know, I’m not a film director but if I was I know I wouldn’t start a movie with a sunset even if it was a romantic sunset with a beautiful couple falling in love in Hawaii or San Diego or San Antonio. Do they have romantic sunsets in San Antonio?—don’t know never been there but I have at least been in Texas and I don’t remember the sunset…I was only nine years old and nothing then seemed very romantic but then I never wanted to be a movie director anyway…I wanted to play 2nd base for the Los Angeles Dodgers but I was to slow, made to many errors, couldn’t hit or run well but I loved the game….

2007-01-29T18:51:00.000-08:00

My first car was actually a truck, a bright yellow 1953 International Harvester pickup that my father bought for me when I was a senior in high school. It had belonged to the custodian at the high school who committed suicide. It was rumored that he killed himself on the baseball field because he was tired of getting the field ready for the games. The truck was somewhat “tainted” so my dad got a good deal for $300. I had to pay for getting the truck painted and fixed up. I was working for my uncle at the time who owned a car dealership in town. I was the car washer. His body shop guy “volunteered” to paint the truck for me on a Saturday if I provided him with the paint and two six packs of Budweiser. He did a great job painting the truck blue, my favorite color, but after awhile was to drunk to go on; but most of the truck looked great except for the part he couldn’t get to. About the only passengers that I got to ride with me that year were my sister Marilyn and her friend Paula. They didn’t care about a “tainted” truck they wanted a ride to school...

2007-01-24T20:09:00.000-08:00

Basketball--Every Wednesday I play basketball with five other people most of us are over 50. Sometimes younger players come to the gym and play with us. Then in the morning after the review of the previous day’s action we come up with reasons for the fall of Western Civilization. The big reason is selfish basketball players that don’t give a hoot about teamwork. They have one thing on their minds like most guys their age; scoring. They shoot, shoot, shoot. Who needs to pass? Their heroes are the tattooed felon, have children with their girlfriend, multimillionaire, run and gun NBA players. They have never learned that there is no I in team….

2007-01-21T19:58:00.000-08:00

Aunt Gladys—When I was growing up my mom had an Aunt Gladys. She was a widow with one grown daughter so she lived alone. I think because of this she was somewhat bossy. Maybe she even told herself what to do. When we were in a room of our house laughing, playing and having fun Aunt Gladys would say, “you kids keep it down in there you’re getting to loud.” Most of the time we would stop because we didn’t want a MAD Aunt Gladys. What my parents should have done is asked Aunt Gladys to go home. Playing, laughing, and having fun is what kids are supposed to do. Now that I’m getting older sometimes I worry that I’m becoming like Aunt Gladys. When kids are laughing and playing I want to say, “Hey keep it down in there were kids born in a barn”, but then I remember Aunt Gladys and don’t say anything….

2007-01-11T06:58:00.000-08:00

Is the gift for Christmas or for Hanukkah? I was in a store during the holidays and heard this question. Most of my friends celebrate Christmas. I’m not even sure how to spell Hanakah. Is it Hanakeh or Hanakak? I have a feeling it is neither. I just realized I’m 56 years old and I’ve never bought a Hanukkah gift. Maybe I need more friends from different cultures. I have never bought a gift for a Hindu, Moslem, or Buddhist. I do however know a Buddhist. He is a converted Christian who is now a Buddhist. Does that count? I never bought him a gift either. I love trying different cultural dinners. Maybe I should start meeting the people that make the dinners…

2007-01-06T20:51:00.000-08:00

New York trip a story--I once met a French woman named Monique on a weekend trip to New York. She was a very simple woman who was the survivor of a shopping spree at Macy’s that she won on the French Wheel of Fortune. The only problem was that it was during Christmas week. She found that the key to shopping at Macy’s was to act like a Greedy American with a vanishing bank account. Her favorite purchases were for the I pods she bought for three guys she was dating back in France. “They are dogs”, she said “like most French men trying to pick up women like it is a garden.” “One night they are with a carrot, the next night a stalk of celery and they treat women that way.” Monique was very flighty yet much grounded at the same time. I was attracted to her and we laughed and kissed and it was an awesome weekend. I loved it!

2007-01-01T19:21:00.000-08:00

Are you Christian or Buddhist? I recently went to visit my family for Christmas vacation. One night we went to have Thai food. Most of the waiters and people working in the restaurant are Buddhists. Most of the Buddhists I know seem to be more Christian than most Christians i.e. more compassionate, loving, and caring people. Maybe they should be the ones celebrating Christmas and getting all the presents. Would that make them Christians and not Buddhists though? These are some of the questions that I ponder…

2006-12-20T20:22:00.000-08:00

2006 Christmas Letter
Dear Family and Friends,
2006 was a pretty good year. I continued to work at A.G. Edwards and most of the time I get along well with others working there. I’m still doing comedy and once again I had a few “dry spells” when the audience was wondering “is this comedy or poetry?” I tried doing affirmations before going onstage: “Jim you are a great comedian, the crowd is with you, the women love you, and you are a sex symbol” and that seemed to help.
In October I went to Park City, Utah for a week with Shauna. We are still getting along well but I fear that she doesn’t know me that well. We took a day trip to Sundance, Utah but didn’t get to see Robert Redford but Utah is beautiful!
In November I got a really bad cold and Mike at work wanted me to wear one of those bird flu masks but I refused. I hate being a vegetarian and getting sick. People at work are always saying, “If you only ate meat you wouldn’t get sick.” Then I remember what the famous vegetarian Gandhi used to say, “bullsh-- everyone gets sick,” so I felt better.
Just a couple of weeks ago I was playing basketball and afterwards went to my car to get a dollar for a bottle of water. To my shock my wallet and checkbook were stolen. I quickly called the credit union to cancel my debit card and checks. Afterward I was giving Doug from my office a ride back to his repaired car and he “found” my checkbook in the cup holder where I must have left it. When I got back to my office I also found my “lost” wallet. It was a miracle. My sister Marilyn reminds me that we have dementia in our family so I have been taking Vitamin E, ginkgo biloba, and working crossword puzzles. Ellen DeGeneres says that if you can remember to take ginkgo biloba you probably don’t need it.
Hope you all have a healthy and prosperous 2007 and please help support Mountain Gorilla Habitat…Love ya, Jim

2006-11-18T08:05:00.000-08:00

Talking To MYSELF...I find myself talking to myself alot. I live alone so sometimes I do it for hours at a time. Philosophy, religion, Michael Jackson--it doesn't matter. I even critique my housekeeping skills. "I really think you should clean this place up once in awhile." I find that I am a very good listener and I always pay attention and enunciate. Because practicing good communication skills is important, even when you're talking to yourself...

2006-11-08T20:32:00.000-08:00

Getting A Cold
I have been fighting a cold this week and the cold has been kicking my butt. I stayed home from work part of Tuesday and all of Wednesday. One guy at work wanted me to wear one of those Asian bird flu masks that are so popular now. I refused because I couldn’t breathe that well and thought that I might die. He’s a carnivore that gloated about my cold misfortune. As a vegetarian it's hard to admit that I have poor health. Some people say, "If you ate some meat you wouldn't get sick". That’s when I remember what the famous vegetarian Gandhi used to say, “Bullshit”. “Everyone gets colds”. I know plenty of meat eaters who also get sick. I went the health food store and got oregano oil, odorless garlic, zinc caps, and something called Vita Biotic. After taking all of the above for a week I feel much better so I feel that I beat the cold. At least I didn’t die….

2006-10-29T16:04:00.000-08:00

Crossword Puzzles
They can be rather puzzling and difficult. It seems at times that they flow and I think the same way as the puzzle maker and then other times I’m ready to kill myself. I decided to start doing crossword puzzles because my sister reminded me that there is dementia in our family and crosswords are supposed to help you not get it. I won’t get dementia because I will kill myself long before that from working the New York Times Easy Crossword book. Those people in New York are so smart and sophisticated that even their easy puzzles are hard. Maybe it is because the weather is bad there in the winter and they have nothing else to do. Maybe they have more geeks in New York. Or maybe New Yorkers are just smarter than people in California…Whatever the reason I hate the New York Times Crossword Puzzles…

2006-10-25T17:21:00.000-07:00

Signs
I’m always looking for signs in my life that I am somehow going in the right direction. Someone told me that if you get a sense of peace from doing something that is God telling you that you are going in the right direction. This seems to be true for me when I’m doing comedy, giving speeches, or writing. I also feel a great sense of peace after having sex but does that mean that God wants me to have more sex. What about all the Sunday School lectures on the evils of sex and how it can make you go blind and blah, blah, blah. It is a very confusing topic and not tackled by most bloggers. I’m going out on a limb here and say that sex is good and that God wants us to have more. I think…

2006-10-17T20:57:00.000-07:00

Katie Couric
I like the idea of having Katie Couric do the CBS Evening News. I think she seems more serious on the Evening News than on the Today Show. I guess most people are more serious at the end of the day than they are in the morning. I like the “Free Speech” segment and the most of the news seems more optimistic with a woman named Katie doing it. This is my analysis of Katie. I wonder what she might say if she was following me around at work. “Jim you don’t seem to working that hard, lots of breaks Jim, were you just sleeping on the job there?” I can’t imagine any of the Evening News anchors sleeping on the job. It wouldn’t be good for their ratings. I still long to have Walter Cronkite back on the Anchor desk. Until that time comes I’ll watch Katie…

2006-10-12T18:39:00.000-07:00

Does Life Insurance Work?
There are two basic types of life insurance—term and whole life or as some agents state Universal Whole Life. I’m already bored and I wrote the first sentence. I think the best way to cure insomnia is to read a life insurance prospectus. If you can read through the prospectus you are insane or at least on the verge of insanity. I feel that it is more important to get a good agent, trust your instincts, and listen to them. If you are wrong you won’t know it because you will be dead by the time anyone is able to collect. Buy term insurance and invest the difference is an old adage but will you invest the difference. That is the problem with life insurance…

2006-09-17T17:14:00.000-07:00

Working
This is a list of the jobs that I’ve had in my work life: car washer, cantaloupe picker, assistant cottage cheese maker, doorman at a hotel, meditation teacher, real estate agent, financial consultant, and comedian. The things I notice about my list is that it is a short list, I do things mostly with other people, with the exception of picking cantaloupes which I hated (I still hate the taste of cantaloupes), and I have mostly worked inside. I tend to work in sales even comedy you have to “sell” your material to the audience. Being a mediation teacher I consider my free love/hippie days. Real estate sales and financial consultant are my grown up make a living days. I would love to make my living as a comedian but I’ve only made $350 at it in ten years of doing it. It seems that it’s really just a hobby Jim. Sometimes I still have an audience stare at me wondering is that guy doing comedy or was that poetry---washing cars on the other hand is something I can always do and get a real sense of satisfaction from and a clean car…

2006-09-10T17:25:00.000-07:00

Hog Head Inspector--A Story
My Uncle Bob was a hog head inspector.
He would only inspect the hog’s ears.
He had a bad habit of pushing the ear wax deep into the hog’s head.
He made a lot of hogs go deaf.
It’s hard to call a deaf hog.
So they fired him.
He was out of work for over a year.
That’s a tough thing to put on a resume.
Former hog head inspector.
“Why did you leave your position as “head hog” inspector?”
“Um that’s “hog head” inspector. I wasn’t the top guy.”
Deaf hogs drove my Uncle Bob into alcoholism.

2006-09-03T14:53:00.000-07:00

Dementia
When I was nine years old my family took a trip to Joplin, Missouri to visit my Great Grandma Walker and to see some of other Joplin relatives. Grandma was a very nice lady who told some interesting stories about her life. She told them over and over about every thirty minutes. She didn’t have television so I enjoyed hearing the stories and I asked my mom if Grandma thought we would forget the stories or if it was some kind of strange Joplin custom to drive your California relatives crazy. My mom said no that Grandma has dementia and she forgets that she’s told the story. Grandpa Meese on the other side of her family also had dementia. Lately I started forgetting things so I think about my great grandparents and what they went through. I also started taking Vitamin E, Ginkgo Biloba, and working crossword puzzles and it seems to help—I hope. Ellen DeGeneres says that if you can remember to take Ginkgo Biloba you probably don’t need it…

2006-08-07T18:49:00.000-07:00

Andy Kaufman was one of my favorite comics mostly because he was unconventional and different in the way he did his comedy. He tried to get the audience to join him in his world rather than trying to join the audience in their world. He was quirky, creative, and was always ready to surprise others. I liked his Elvis impressions and singing along with the Mighty Mouse song done on Saturday Night Live. He also lived on the edge with his ideas and didn’t care what other people thought. He seemed at times to be a troubled, tortured soul who wrestled women for the erotic charge and later wrestled men and got hurt. I liked his “stuff” and that is why he made my “Feng Shui Creativity Nine Favorite Comic Wall”…

2006-07-29T14:00:00.000-07:00

My 25th Class Reunion--A story
Everyone was lost but no one seemed to care. We were late getting to a party in Lemoore, CA. Chuck our limo driver seemed to be high on life or something and he kept talking and talking. The directions I had didn't include two left turns so we were headed in the wrong direction. I didn’t want to squelch the fun everyone was having so I didn’t mention it. I was stoked by the thought that I was back at the 25 year class reunion and I got to spend time with Lorene again. I was always attracted to her long brunette hair and big heart. It was Saturday night and the party started at 7 and it was going on 8. All of a sudden Chuck said, “I think I have a flat tire. It must be the squirrel I hit two miles back. Sometimes they swallow nails and when you run over them it can give you a flat tire. Just make yourself at home. I have a couple of Ayn Rand books in the glove box.” While he was changing the tire, reading was not what I had in mind after not seeing Lorene in 25 years. I wanted to catch up on old times and maybe just discuss how she felt about philosophy and religion…

2006-07-22T14:12:00.000-07:00

A child about to be born wants to be briefed on what to expect:
The people on this planet can be very interesting and entertaining. They can be loving and generous or cranky and mean. They can be warm or cold, happy or sad blah, blah, blah. Just spend more time with women than men and learn from them or get a dog. Go to Disneyland often, eat as much ice cream as your mom with let you, and when you get older have kids,play with them and tell them stories. Read a lot and watch television a little. It is worth it being here.

2006-07-14T16:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I can be very indecisive. I like to blame it on my astrological sign. I’m Pisces in Western Astrology and Tiger in Chinese Astrology. Both are indecisive. One thing I am very decisive about is the fact that I would rather be a Tiger than a fish but I digress. Much of the time I have trouble making a decision. I came across a technique the other day that I find very intriguing and it seems to work. The book is called “The Purpose of Your Life.” On page 164 you’ll find Force the Question with a Coin Toss. Basically the technique is to decide on a question and then decide if heads is yes and tails is no or vice versa. You then flip the coin three times and see how you feel about the results. What does your intuition tell you? For example my question was should I go to on vacation in August. I got 3 yeses and I felt very good about it. I’m going on vacation in August. Other questions led me to: I’m not getting married anytime soon. I need to write more and I like myself. I like the technique and I would recommend it to anyone who is indecisive, wants to develop intuition, or lives in California…

2006-07-03T20:17:00.000-07:00

If I was retired with not much to do this is what I would imagine my To Do List would look like:
1. Get up by 8 AM.—eat oatmeal for breakfast
2. Talk to cat about my day and global warming
3. Read San Diego Union and work the crossword puzzle.
4. Watch the “Price Is Right”
5. Watch for mailman and pick up mail when delivered.
6. Call Bob (limit 15 minutes)
7. Email Pastor John with comments on his music selections and sermon.
8. Go to the bank and get twenty dollars.
9. Eat Lunch
10. Clip toenails
11. Listen to Padre afternoon game on the radio.
12. Play solitaire.
13. Watch “The Young and the Restless.”
14. Call Mayor’s office to complain about street parking.
15. Watch “Oprah”
16. Eat Dinner
17. Watch “Wheel of Fortune” followed by “Jeopardy”.
18. Read “AARP” magazine.
19. Go to bed by 9 pm

2006-07-03T18:48:00.000-07:00

My kitchen blender has been talking to me. I know it seems strange but here’s what he’s been saying to me: “Why don’t you try some variety in your life? I’m tired of making the same old protein drink. Haven’t you heard that variety is the spice of life? Bananas would be nice once in awhile--much softer than the cucumbers I blend up. That would give me a break and you some VARIETY. I’m not trying to be mean here. I like you and want you to be healthy. You’re not getting any younger and I know how it would feel to be replaced by a younger model. You are a vegetarian. Are you getting enough protein? All I’m saying is that you could add a little more protein to your protein drink. Don’t be so frugal man and give the living room fan a break once in awhile…"

2006-06-29T19:24:00.000-07:00

Fantasyland
I used to love going to Disneyland when I was a kid. It was always fun even though we lived 250 miles away and it took four hours to get there. I loved seeing Mickey, Donald, and Goofy and going on all the rides. I especially liked Fantasyland. I feel that Fantasyland is where I have lived much of my life. When I was growing up I felt that I could be a 2nd baseman for the L.A. Dodgers. The only problem was that I couldn’t hit that well, I was a slow runner, and made lots of errors. I still love the game. Even today I think what might have been if I had only practiced and played more. Maybe I could have played for the L.A. Angels who play right next to Disneyland within sight of Fantasyland…

2006-06-19T21:12:00.000-07:00

Adult vs. Inner Child
For many years I had problems between the Adult and Inner child parts of me. They would fight and I felt constantly tortured. My Inner Child, Jimi, would want to have fun and play. James on the other hand was the serious Adult part of me. Jimi used to take care of the money and James would just go to work and stay long hours at stressful jobs. James was very impatient and would not let Jimi out to play especially at work. Jimi on the other hand was put in charge of my finances and he wanted everything now new clothes, dinners out, going to lots of movies, plays, and baseball games. I was deeply in debt and very confused. I didn’t know if my Inner Child was a spoiled brat or an abused child that I ignored.
Finally I decided to go to therapy over this and what I learned after several years was to have balance in life. James was put in charge of the money and over a period of years I paid off the debt. Now Jimi is allowed to come to work and I have a much better time there. He still gets to play but now it is basketball and standup comedy.
Now I live more in balance in my life and go by Jim and of course I still live in California…

2006-06-13T20:39:00.000-07:00

Feng Shui is the study of the environment and how it affects people. For the past five years I’ve wanted to be Feng Shuied and June 1 I was - by Cathleen. She gave me some ideas to improve the nine areas of my home. I had always thought there were just 2 areas of my home with one and a half baths, but now I know there are nine. From what I knew about Feng Shui, I had visions of wind chimes, and mirrors but I didn’t get any of that. Instead I ordered an indoor Envira Scape Relaxation Fountain which looks like 3 melted yellow candles with lights for my career area, a family of carp in water picture for the prosperity area and red towels and a nightlight in the bathroom to help my fame/success area. I have felt more successful in the bathroom ever since I put the light there.
At first I was worried my friends would scoff at the idea and say it’s not for men. And then my friend Gary did. He said "I suppose you will be having lots of mirrors and wind chimes in the house. Isn't that a woman-thing? ” I can take the criticism I have broad shoulders. I believe what Chairman Mao once said “Feng Shui works." And I think he's right and Gary is right. Women in California love a man who Feng Shuis…I Feng Shui and I'm proud of it…

2006-05-29T17:57:00.000-07:00

Grandma Esta
When I was ten years old my grandfather died and my uncle had the idea that my cousins and I would take turns staying with Grandma Esta. At first I didn’t like the idea. I guess I don’t like change. I grew though to like the idea. We would watch the Today show on television and Grandma Esta was always interested in the weather in Arkansas where she grew up. She said that one of her goals before she died was to see all 50 states. She didn’t make to all 50 states so now that has become my goal. She was a great storyteller. She once told me this story: She had two brothers; Dee and Luis who went with their dad to hunt for the family turkey on Thanksgiving Day. They spread out and Dee saw a big turkey in the bushes. He raised his gun and shot. He ran over with his dad to where the turkey was. They looked down and saw not the turkey but Luis and Grandpa Fowler said, “Dee you shot Luis.” It turned out to be just a flesh wound and Luis was okay. Later in the day they shot a turkey and the family had a good Thanksgiving meal…

2006-05-22T22:47:00.000-07:00

Vegetarians
Being a vegetarian can be tough sometimes. When I go to lunch with friends from work they give me a hard time. “Jim you want some tree bark or Jim are you sure you’re getting enough protein or Jim vegetarian is an Indian term meaning lousy hunter.” If I wasn’t so weak from being a vegetarian I would kick their butts. What about the idea that more people can eat if we eat lower on the food chain or the vegetarian diet is healthier and that you will live longer. My theory is that most vegetarians do it for the attention. It takes longer to order = more attention. “Is there lard in the beans?” “Does the soup have chicken broth?” “Any diary in the guacamole?” All of these I feel are pathetic cries for attention. I’m a vegetarian but I would never date one. They’re all much too pale and weird for me…

2006-05-14T18:17:00.000-07:00

If I could start a magazine it would be called DATING FOR MEN—the Magazine to give men hope about dating
This would be my table of contents for May
1. Know your Chinese Astrological Sign and Hers
2. Develop your sense of humor—women love to laugh
3. What should you talk about on the 1st Date
4. 25 Romantic things to do in Southern California
5. What if she falls in love
6. How to be a good listener
7. Safe sex and how to talk about it—wait until the 3rd date—you get points for waiting
8. How to talk Mars/Venus—only it she brings it up
9. 25 gifts that women love—they all don’t cost money…
These are my ideas for articles now I just need to write them….

2006-05-07T17:27:00.000-07:00

Buddha and Baseball
My grandfather once told me a baseball story. While living in a small mountain community in 1938 in Utah my grandfather played on a local baseball team. In those days it was hard to find team sponsorship but in the Salt Lake area there was a small Buddhist temple that agreed to sponsor the team and there were several Buddhists on the team. The players wore hats with small fountains on them and the logo on the front of their jersey said, “You can grapple with the vibes of other spiritual groups or join the force of goodness of Buddha.” The players that were recruited for the team were big and there were several home run hitters on the team. The players were very ethereal and meditated 5 minutes between innings which made the other team angry since they would have to wait. Because of this my grandfather’s team had an undefeated season. I asked my father about this and his only comment was “sometimes your grandfather makes stuff up”…

2006-05-01T19:16:00.000-07:00

My Imaginary Friend
When I was growing up I had an imaginary friend. There weren’t many other kids in the neighborhood to play with. We had long conversations about Howdy Doody and fighting Indians in my back yard. I liked and respected him most in the imaginary games of baseball that we played. He was an excellent player manager I loved his strategy for the game. For example he once had Willie Mays and Mickey Mantle in the same outfield. He won most of the time. I always went for pitching because “in baseball good pitching will always beat good hitting”. Not in our games. I sometimes miss him and the last I had heard he moved with his family to Dallas which seems appropriate because my friend’s name was Cowboy Boots...

2006-04-23T13:22:00.000-07:00

A Detective Dream
Last night I had a dream that I was an assistant for Miss Jane Marple of Agatha Christie fame. We were called in to solve the case of the missing basketball at a local San Diego Recreation Center. Miss Marple always felt that it is important to give something back to the community so once a week we “volunteered” at the rec. center. The rec. center manager felt that the basketball was stolen by one of two heavy set kids who were always chosen last. Miss Marple in her genius style said, “You two fat kids into the sauna.” They both confessed that they had done it after 5 minutes in the heat. They were hot and hungry. Miss Marple had solved another tough case. Shortly after that she was asked not to come back by the rec. board because they were sued by the boy’s parents for using heat to get a confession and being so politically incorrect for using the term “fat”. I woke up and realized I need to read more nonfiction…

2006-04-17T21:03:00.000-07:00

Club Fred
Four years ago I went to Club Fred in Fresno. It is a bar/club where they have a stage for local entertainers to perform. It’s called Club Fred because they have pictures of guys named Fred on the wall: Fred Astaire, Fred Mertz (Ricky and Lucy’s neighbor) Freddie Prenze, Freddie Fender, Fred Flintstone, et al. You get the idea. It was an interesting place. It reminded me that the only Fred I knew personally was my grandfather Fred Walker. He’s not on the wall at Club Fred but I think he should be. He was married five times. His first two wives died but with the next three he had “problems” and got a divorce from each. The last lady he married turned out to be a witch that lived in Fresno. When they got a divorce she put a curse on him and he died a year later…coincidence? I don’t think so…

2006-04-10T19:26:00.000-07:00

Being Punked

Last week I was standing outside the Comedy Store in La Jolla practicing my comedy and getting ready to “go on”. A young couple came up and was starting to go in and I said, “I hope you like my comedy.” The guy said, “You’re a comedian?” “Am I being punked?” “I thought you might be the manager or the owner here.” “Aren’t you a little old to be a comedian here?” I had no witty comeback and didn’t know what punked meant. After they went in I asked the doorman what punked meant and he said “its like are you kidding me?” I thought more about what the guy said and remembered that Bob Hope and George Burns performed into their 90s. Rodney Dangerfield didn’t even start doing comedy until he was 50. Sometimes older comics don’t get any respect…

2006-04-02T19:04:00.000-07:00

“Going to the DMV”
Recently I had a birthday and realized that my driver’s license had expired. I called the DMV to see if I had to take the driver’s license written test and the guy on the phone said that I would. He made an appointment for me to take it Friday morning at 9 am. I thought this was fair since the last two times I had renewed my license by mail. I thought that I better study since the last time I missed 5 on the test without studying. I think that missing 6 is not passing. I decided to get a copy of the DMV Study Guide which I picked up Wednesday afternoon. I used all my spare time to study over the next 2 days. I learned that 65 is the maximum speed unless 70 is posted,(65 seems to be more like a suggestion to most people), never pass if you have a solid yellow line on your side, and always stop if the school bus has its lights flashing. They gave me an application to fill out and I paid my $26 and I was ready to take my test. The lady processed my application and check and said “go get your picture taken.” “Don’t I have to take the test?” “No”. “But the guy on the phone said I did.” “He’s wrong”. As I got my picture taken I thought I’m a safer driver so maybe these DMV people do know what they are doing…

2006-03-26T17:17:00.000-08:00

The Wind Cries Mary…it’s a famous line from a Jimi Hendrix song. If he wrote the song today would it have to be the wind cries Mary but sometimes it cries Barry. It’s so important nowadays to be politically correct about everything. Now men want the wind to call out their name. In the 60s when the song was written men didn’t care if the wind cried out their name. They also didn’t have movies about cowboys dating. I guess it is possible for the wind to cry Barry as well as Mary. Would the wind in Mexico cry out Maria? These are questions I sometimes ponder…

2006-03-18T14:43:00.000-08:00

“Being Hip”
I’m getting older and lately I’ve had to admit that I’m not “hip” anymore. Maybe it’s been that way for 20 or 30 years and I haven’t realized it. I used to think that I was hip just because I live in California. Now I think I’m a borderline dork. I read a lot, go be bed early and a few months ago at a workshop I danced the hokey—pokey. Sometimes I still think I still “have it” like last year when I thought about getting a tattoo for a couple of days. That’s what my brother did. He got a tattoo, married someone 15 years younger than he is, and bought a Harley. He’s hip. Mick Jaeger is also hip and he’s older than me. I think that musicians have to be hip. It’s in their genes. I’ve decided that after writing this I don’t care about “being hip”. I’d rather eat bean dip…

2006-03-11T07:29:00.000-08:00

“The Blob” was the first scary movie that I ever saw (Steve McQueen—1958). It seemed so real because I was only 8 years old when I went. To me at that age a rolling glob of rubberized cookie dough made a lot of sense and I was scared. It was swallowing people all over the place and getting bigger and bigger. It must have affected me deeply because I sometimes still worry the Blob will come up through the shower drain and grab my ankle when I’m taking a shower. I especially worry about this when I’m washing my hair and can’t see to well. I always think about my escape--to run to the freezer to get some ice (Blobs hate ice). I also worry if my neighbors would save me if the Blob grabbed both of my ankles and I was unable to run. It might be hard for me to yell out to them to “break down the door; a Blob has me by the ankles and is moving up my legs BRING ICE”. With my luck the neighbors would bring rice and I would be a goner. Do I have the nerve to talk to my neighbors now about a neighborhood Blob watch…?